Is forgiveness beyond the reach of some?

I just finished reading the second of a series of books written by Thomas E. Sniegorski titled, "The Fallen."

The Fallen is the story about a young man named Aaron Corbett.

Aaron Corbett learns on his 18th birthday that he is a Nephilim, the child of a human/angel pairing and that he is being pursued by a group of angels called the Powers.

The Powers believe that all Nephilim are an abomination and affront to God.

However, there is a prophecy that a Nephilim will be born that will redeem the Fallen, (Wikipedia, 2012).

At one point in the story, Lucifer or Morningstar, finds himself in a situation where he and the Fallen who followed after him begin to contemplate the idea that perhaps God could forgive them for turning against Him and waging the war in Heaven.

I remember thinking to myself as I read that part of the book, "No way!  God forgive Satan?  Everything that I have been programmed to believe goes against the very idea -- forgiveness for Satan?  Just not going to happen."

Then I remembered something; something I had not thought about since my childhood.

I was a young boy, probably all of five, six, or seven.  I Cannot say for certain.  I remember I was alone.  I was at the old house on Francisquito Avenue (West Covina, CA), when I began experiencing a God moment.

I started thinking about the whole idea of forgiveness and whether or not forgiveness could ever apply to the devil.

I remember becoming very emotional at the idea that Satan, once the most favored of all of God's angels could never again know God's love, mercy, light, etc., because he could never be forgiven for the sins He committed against God.

The very idea of not obtaining God's forgiveness; spending an eternity without God broke my heart.

At that point I even felt sadness for the devil.

Forgiveness for me, I believe, isthe key to God's love.  God's complete love.

Sometime in the early 90's I attended a lecture at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Roman Catholic Church (Rowland Heights, CA), with my mother and her sister Margaret.

I recall mother mentioning that a special missionary Catholic priest was going to speak.  I do not recall if I was aware of (in advance) that this missionary was going to speak on the topic of forgiveness.

Let me set up the story ....

Prior to attending that lecture I was having great difficulty with the whole concept of forgiveness.

In my book, Baltimore Monday: A Celebration of Life beyond Sexual Abuse, (2006, Signature Print), I wrote that I was having trouble forgiving those men who had sexually molested me as a child.

In reality it was not those men that I was having difficulty forgiving.  It was myself and my family whom I could not forgive.

It is true that I was angry at the world; mainly with my family more so than I was with the men who sexually molested me.  I was angry because I believed that I did not matter to my family.  In my mind I believed that my only reason for my continued existence was because it was a sin to have an abortion or to take a human life.

What did that mean?

I believed that were it not a sin it would have been easier for my parents to be rid of me then to keep a child around that they did not love or want.

That is what I allowed myself to believe, however, it was the furthest from the truth.  Mom and dad loved me.  They loved my siblings.  i just did not feel loved at the time.

My feeling like a freak had more to do with my lack of feeling loved than with being sexually molested or having same-sex attraction (although that presented an entirely different bag of worms that I will discuss in another posting).

The problem was me.

My heart and mind were in two distinct and separate places back then; totally not in sync with each other.  As a result, I truly believed that forgiveness, as with Satan, was beyond my reach.  God could no more forgive me (I thought), then He would forgive Satan.

As I sat in the church pew listening to the missionary priest speak it was not until he began speaking about forgiveness that he caught my attention.  Here is what he said that was of particular importance to me; the words that changed my life ...

"How can you say that you love God, if you cannot return His love unconditionally?  How can you ask God for forgiveness, when you are unwilling to forgive?"

I knew in that instant that if my life were going to change; if I was going to follow through with God's plan(s) for my life; if I was going to become a difference maker, I had to start by making a difference and that meant forgiving unconditionally, just as I had been challenged to love in the same way.

It was at that moment that God was challenging me to forgive those men who molested me, but that I was not to stop there.  God was further challenging me to forgive the very people whom I thought I could not forgive -- my family, more importantly, myself.

Love is not always easy to extend.  Forgiveness is even more difficult.  However, if we truly desire as believers to spend our eternity living it up with God and His peeps (I say that with no disrespect intended), then we need to forgive because we love, and love because we can forgive ... unconditionally.

As for Satan and the Fallen?

Only God can make that call.  I would not dare to presume to know the heart and mind of my Creator and whom he can and cannot forgive.

What I can say without equivocation is that in my heart of hearts, my ability to forgive is in direct proportion to my love for God.

To say that I love God means that I must love you (unconditionally).

To ask God's forgiveness means that I must also forgive you (and myself), unconditionally.

Now go out and forgive but keep it between you and God.

Tornado Weekend!

This was definitely not the weekend to be in certain areas of Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, or Arkansas.  Twisters were dancing about the landscape in every direction.

Two areas hardest hit were Woodward, Oklahoma and Wichita, Kansas.

I was saddened to hear that five (5) Oklahomans lost their lives in Woodward; three of them children.  Thankfully, no lives were lost in Wichita and/or that the death toll was any higher.

The twisters themselves are a beautiful force of nature to behold.  It's the damage, death. and destruction they leave in their wake that makes them feared and respected and spring just a little less welcome.  Just a little.

Bless the Beasts and the Children

I remember the first time I heard the song, "Bless the Beats and the Children," sung by the Carpenters (http://youtu.be/AhR36gV6vW4) 

The song is based on the 1971 film adaptation of the same name featuring "Lost In Space" actor Bill Mumy.  The film is about a group of social misfits who band together and run away from summer camp.  Along the way they take up a crusade to save a group of penned in buffaloes from a rifle club's slaughter for fun, (source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068286/)

The reason I mention this film is because of the emotions both the song and film stirred up within me as I viewed and listened to both.  

I remember hearing the golden voice of Karen Carpenter sing that song and immediately my thoughts were of all the children throughout the world who suffer physically and mentally, sometimes violently at the hands of adults.

The thought that would always cross my mind was this, "If an adult can hurt an innocent child and still sleep soundly at night, how much more would that same man do in a position of power?"

I had not given this song much thought since using it at my "Heroes and the Boogie Man" workshop this past weekend.

I was researching the Internet for a graduate study class when I came across images of children who had been murdered by radical members of Islam.

One image in particular that caught my attention was of two children -- a brother and sister, Assyrian Christians, who were very young.  The boy probably was not much older than 6 years old; his sister not much further ahead of him.  What was sad about this photo was the connection it made with my own children.

I kept thinking to myself as I held back my tears, "How can anyone be so ugly within themselves that they would slaughter an innocent child this way?"

The boy was left atop a coffee table.  His body appeared to have little trauma to it, although clearly was not the case for his sister.

She was left on the floor and appeared to have more trauma afflicted upon her.  It was obvious to me that this little girl was not only murdered with a violence I hope to never understand, her body was also disrespected even in death.

What is even worse is that this sort of atrocity against children has been committed over the ages since time began.  Even the United States is not exempt.  Thousands of babies are killed each year just through abortions alone.  Are we any less guilty than the people who killed those two children?

I do not know what happened to the bodies of the two children who were found murdered.  I hope they were given a proper burial and that their families have found peace.

How many more stories are we going to read about in the news, not just of children being murdered because of radical religious beliefs (from all sides), but about those children in other parts of the world whom are kidnapped and sold into slavery; those children who are physically and mentally abused; those children who go to bed hungry at night because dad is drinking away their food money or mom is spending it at the casino's?

Who is going to stand up and speak out for and protect our children?

All I can do at this moment is pray and hope that God will listen.

I hope you will pray for the children as well.

Whitney Houston

(1963 - 2012)

Were you as shocked by the news of Whitney Houston's death as I was?

I am certain many people, especially those who were die hard fans of Ms. Houston were surprised to hear that this legendary singer had passed away.

Ms. Houston passed away on Saturday, February 11, 2012 while preparing to attend the Grammy's in Los Angeles, California.

Houston was staying at the Beverly Hills Hilton when she was found by one of her entourage submerged in a bathtub filled with water.

Whitney was a musical marvel.  I loved her musical and acting talents, her beauty, her incredible smile and the obvious love she had for singing, acting, and performing.

One poignant memory I have of Whitney was when she appeared on stage with another very well known Diva -- Mariah Carey.  In 1998, Whitney and Mariah combined their musical talents to sing the immortal, "When You Believe," http://youtu.be/CxIN79n4jVo

Each time I watch that video and hear that song I can feel the shivers racing down my spine -- the song and the coming together of these two talented musical giants was phenomenal to say the least.

Of course, there was the time when Whitney sang, "The Star Spangled Banner" in 1991 at Super Bowl XXV http://youtu.be/xS-R7SM_-M4

It is so sad, distressing really, when you see the body of a major pop star/celebrity of the caliber of Whitney Houston being removed from the place where they expired.

To see the body being placed on a gurney for the trip to the Coroner's office is surreal because for many years these singing giants were immortalized almost to the point of being seen (or appearing to be seen) as musical Gods.

Then death comes knocking and reminds us all just how real life and death are and that from the poorest of the poor to the richest of the rich -- all ships truly do anchor at the same harbor in the end.

I will miss this legendary entertainer - the legendary queen of pop and cousin to another favorite of mine, Ms. Dionne Warwick.

My prayers and condolences to the entire family.

Whiteny, we will always love you.

http://youtu.be/NiYWh0Q8UVk

What is it like to be sexually molested?

 "Carlos, what did it feel like to be sexually molested?"

I hated that question.  "What was it like to be sexually molested?"  I thought it was rude and insensitive.  It was like asking a Brazilian, "What is it like to be Mexican?"

What does that mean anyway -- what is it like to be sexually molested?

What is it like to be male?  What is it like to be poor?  What is it like to be short instead of tall?  What is it like to be dumb instead of smart?

These are all questions that make absolutely no sense.  However, when you remove the emotional component of the question one can understand the reason for someone asking the question.

The questioner is asking because he or she genuinely wants to know; to understand that which they themselves had never experienced.

When I first came out of the post-abuse closet, asking what it felt like to be molested was a question that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up for two reasons:

1) It would take me back to the actual experiences (in my mind), and,
2) It was asked too often.

At first I would become angry with the inquirer because I believed the question was one of those type of questions you just didn't ask someone who had been sexually molested.

"How can you even ask that question?" I would sharply fire back.  "Why do you need to know?"

I suppose it is for the same reason why one individual asked President Bill Clinton which underwear did he prefer, "Boxers or briefs?"

Not a question I would have asked the president of the United States.

However, in my mind I came to accept that the individual asking the question, for whatever reason, genuinely wanted to know.  

Still, asking that particular question made absolutely no sense to me in my mind?

Neither does sexually abusing children.

On page 30 of my book, Baltimore Monday: A Celebration of Life Beyond Sexual Abuse (Signature Book Printing, Inc., 2006), I attempted to answer that very question using an image of a haunted house to emphasize what being sexually molested was like for me.

I called it ...

The House on Haunted Hill

What did it feel like to be sexually molested?

It was cold and disgusting.

The aftermath of the experience often left me feeling dirty, used, violated, ashamed and helpless.  I often felt angry, lost and alone.  I was always on the run -- or so it seemed that way. 

No matter how fast I ran or where I would hide it seemed that he (the Boogie Man) would always find me!

He would take me to a place that frightened me the most.  A dark, haunting place.  A place that gave birth to the creatures of my nightmares.

It was a lonely, dank, dark broken down place.

It stood alone in shadows that had long been forgotten.  Everything around it appeared dead or dying.  I could not help but feel that through it's boarded windows it was watching me; waiting for me to come home!

It had no heart and sheltered no soul; at least not a soul unto itself.

The walls were tattered and torn.  They bore the images of victim's past.  If you listened long enough you could hear the faint cries of those victims echoing through its walls, "Help me!  Please help me!"

An eerie slow moving fog covered the ground and a musty stench permeated every inch of the house.  It was a smell not unfamiliar to my young nose.  A smell no child should ever recognize.

Like it's victims, the tree's were barren and naked, projecting finger-like branches in every direction.

The moon was always full.

Its light would clash constantly with the cloudy night sky draping an eerie purple luminescence over the entire hillside.  The clouds, thick and violent had clasps of thunderous anger crashing from their centers.

My heart would beat faster than I could process my thoughts.  There was not a single place in that house for me to hide.

I was scared. I was very scared.

His favorite area to play was the front porch.  It heightened his sense of excitement.  "The thrill of the catch!" he would say.  "I am the hunter and you are my prey!"

The idea of getting caught added an adrenaline rush to his warped state of mind.

That is what it felt like to be sexually molested -- at least for me!

My Journey into 2012 ….

For probably the better part of the last 3 to 5 years I have heard and read reports about people’s fascination with or concern about the Mayan calendar.

“Maya civilization, known for advanced writing, mathematics and astronomy, flourished for centuries in Mesoamerica, especially between A.D. 300 and 900.  Its long count calendar, which was discontinued under Spanish colonization tracks more than 5,000 years then resets at zero," (MacDonald, G.J., 2007)

Based on MacDonald’s article in this edition of USA Today the assumption then is that “zero” means December 21, 2012--the day great tragedy will befall all of mankind.

Sandra Noble, executive director of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies in Crystal River, Florida says, “To render December 21, 2012, as a doomsday or moment of cosmic shifting is a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in,” (MacDonald, G.J., 2007)

According to Lawrence Joseph, an author who forecasts widespread catastrophe in his book Apocalypse 2012: A Scientific Investigation Into Civilization’s End – “Part of the 2012 mystique stems from the stars.  On the winter solstice in 2012, the sun will be aligned with the center of the Milky Way for the first time in about 26,000 years.  This means that whatever energy typically streams to Earth from the center of the Milky Way will indeed be disrupted on 12/21/11 at 11:11 P.M. Universal time,” (MacDonald, G.J., 2007).

Personally I have not bought into the Mayan end-of-the-world prophecy forecasted by sensationalists and opportunistic people around the world; people who see an opportunity to make a quick buck by preying on the fear of others.

I have always lived my life by what Jesus tells us in the Bible.

In the case of December 21, 2012, I believe the end will come for us all; for some, the end will come before that date.  For others, the end will follow after that date.

Jesus made it perfectly clear (regarding the end times) when He said to his disciples in Matthew 24:26, “No one knows about that day (referring to the end of the world) or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” (New International Version, 1984).

If Jesus (who is the Son of God) could not say with certainty what date God has set for His return, why spend the remainder of our lives fretting over something that we have no control over?

What is important is what we do with our lives from this very moment.

On that note I have decided to make 2012 and whatever subsequent years God deigns to bless me with as years of living life to its fullest.  I plan to pursue whatever realistic personal goals I set for myself while helping others in the process.

I invite you to share this journey with me.

December 28, 2011 will mark my 50th year on this planet.

In lieu of the recent passing of Oklahoma State University women's basketball coach Kurt Budke and his assistant coach Miranda Serna (both died tragically in a plane crash together with Olin and Paula Branstetter, November 17, 2011), I pledge to live my life to its fullest so that I may better honor their memory as well as all those whom have gone before us.

I look forward to sharing a spectacular 2012 with you as we get to know each other together through this blog.

References:

MacDonald, G.J. (2007). Does Maya calendar predict 2012 apocalypse? USA Today. Retrieved Saturday, November 19, 2011 from www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2007-03-27-maya-2021_N.htm

n.a. (1984). Matthew 24:26. Bible. New International Version.  Retrieved Saturday, November 19, 2011 from www.bible.cc/matthew/24-36.htm

Mayan Calendar (image) Retrieved Saturday, November 19, 2011 from http://www.google.com/imgres?hl=en&newwindow=1&sa=X&biw=1024&bih=438&tbm=isch&prmd=imvns&tbnid=4gTSNDiYs5C6OM:&imgrefurl=http://www.cracked.com/funny-98-2012/&docid=OkWrnBhfZRTtkM&imgurl=http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss276/JJacopo/maya-calendar-1.jpg&w=402&h=400&ei=DvnHTpaPDIb82gXekY3cDw&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=371&sig=105609686215880073593&page=2&tbnh=96&tbnw=90&start=14&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:14&tx=71&ty=22